warning: ancient crone blood

I am thinking of doing a spellwork thing but I'm still working out particulars and intent and suchlike.

I thought I would share behind-the-scenes thoughts, also because maybe it will help me work some of those out?

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I went to a ritual earlier this year and they were talking about names, and names you don't like attached to you. One of those, for me, was "burden". And during the meditation on this I thought, "You know, I am pretty sure Crone goddesses deal with chronic pain. How could they not? And no one fucking gets away with calling them a burden and comes out the other side unscathed. Also pretty sure no one tells the Crone in any of her many forms that she should have a better attitude."

( rampant ableism, but important petition so please click if or when you have spoons but also don't feel bad if you are out of cope )

If you can, please help signal boost, as I am currently low on spoons.

Things that may have caused your migraine, now or in the future or in the past or in an alternate timeline
(  that you should definitely track in a migraine journal or app )

• hard cheese
• dark chocolate
• trace amounts of chocolate in another form of candy
• sugar of any kind
• aspartame or artificial sweetener
• any form of food that tastes good
• not eating
• lack of sleep
• too much sleep
• sleeping at the wrong time of day
• caffeine
• lack of caffeine
• high pressure systems
• low pressure systems
• Mercury in retrograde
• your favorite show was cancelled
• your OTP will never be canon because the producers are just queerbaiting you
• someone was wrong on the internet
• you were wrong on the internet and you can't take it back
• post-modernism
• capitalism/The System/insurance companies
• stress because Pluto is no longer a planet and Pluto was your favorite
• "good stress"
• the cost of your migraine medication
• the app does not have a box to let you track your period
• deep existential questions about why migraines hurt so fucking much
• maybe your migraines are really caused by something else, like the wrong glasses prescription
• people telling you how to stop your migraine with yoga
• migraine journals

Today I weighed my purse because why not be mad about gender. I keep it as small as possible with as little extra change/papers/etc as possible, though I do carry a knitting bag with me or additional laptop bag if I'm going to write or something. Or bag' o' books or ereader for a long waiting room trip.

This bag is literally what sits on my shoulder when I'm out. I have tried the two-shoulder-option and also the fanny pack option, but both put pressure in different places that are also not fun. So. Here we are.

Total weight: 1 lb 5 oz (21 oz or or 595 grams)

Cell phone: 4 oz
Keys: 4 oz
Glasses, case so they don't get damaged, and sunglasses clips: 3 oz
Necessary things listed above: 11 oz, or just over half of the weight of my purse

Other things that live in my purse? Pen, lip balm, "feminine hygiene products", insurance cards, list of emergency meds, library cards, credit cards, a tiny bit of cash, metro card, a couple relevant coupons.

Sometimes emergency meds live in there, but at the moment there aren't any that are really helping except a tube of Voltaren whatnot which is messy.

Even subtracting for the weight of the purse, that's still about a pound of necessary items I'm supposed to just lug around what, in my very feminine tiny pockets somehow? Like the ones that are designed for a single locker key?

I am sick of a certain type of person complaining that I should somehow magically be able to carry everything in my non-existent pockets; or that somehow I should find men's pants that fit my curvy self and wear those for the pockets. Or that I should go on some sort of Purse Quest and find The Perfect Purse that will fit everything I need, always be organized, and not cause any pain. Or that fanny packs are the answer which they actually just put a lot of pressure on my low back.

I think the answer is clear. I think I need The Luggage. Failing any sapient pearwood, I maybe just need a service dog who -- among other very useful tasks -- can also carry maxi pads and spare change for me. I would suggest a robotic assistant, but I kind of worry about getting my period right in the middle of the AI singularity. Awkward.

I spend a lot of time looking for a doctor I feel I can work with before I actually make an appointment. I am lucky in that I have a PPO in addition to Medicare, and I have the educational background that lets me know how to do all of this shit. It is a pain in the butt, no joke, and it is not always successful. I don't do all of this for every doctor, and I hope it isn't just super overwhelmoing. However, if you are stuck in WHY AM I ONLY FINDING ASSHOLES limbo, here are some of the things I try in order to find a good doctor for me:
( US centric, based on what works for me and my health insurance plan etc, but putting this out there because it's taken me years to make an art out of doing this )
tl;dr I use a combo of word of mouth, finding out who's researching the thing, and double checking someone's background on the internet (aka "what's your internet resume?") I don't do all of this for every appointment; usually I do more if I've had a run of terribad experiences in a specialty or it's a super-rare thing I'm trying to find a doctor for.

(note: dw pingback to this is okay, but please ask before linking it out to the wider internets)

I do not even know where most of this is from anymore, but I share with you becauase I found them interesting and I do so enjoy umadoshi's linkspam. I hope you find something of interest.

Writing

quote via this tweet: "In short, the most optimistic fiction you can write is fiction where people treat each other well under conditions of crisis." --C Doctorow

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Gender & sexuality & feminism, oh my!

Overthinking it: Female character flowchart

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Gaming and media

Can Live Action Role-Playing Bring about social change?

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Various posts that I connect somehow to feeling crappy about work/not work/not the "right kind" of work

On Tumblr Skillz and their utility in the job market

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Just for fun

The Kitty Convict Project -- IDing escaped indoor cats

the yarn harlot is giving me sock envy. good thing i am currently knitting weasley socks in autumn colors (*coughgreatlyaccidentallyalteringthepatternonpurposecough*).

(beware: gif/vine thing!) velociraptors attack outdoor christmas decorations

From the Point of View of the Cat, by Czech writer Karel Čapek, 1935 (note: text is in image file, transcription currently unavailable)

Comic about what the Oxfam goats think about Oxfam donations (note transcription currently unavailable

@hourlykitten If you use twitter, I've been following @hourlykitten rather than Emergency Kitten because @hourlykitten cites sources of photos and I find that admirable. (also, it's nice to be able to track back to the original photographer, etc.) I have no affiliation, but I recommend them.

There is an adorable rat on this chilled out cat's head. Not recommended at home.

I have been brainstorming with partner and some other dw folks about a potentially very cool and exciting project. Also it is one that I cannot do alone (even if I had the spoons I did in high school, which was a LOT of spoons). So I'm going to talk about the idea and then see if anyone else is interested, and what they might want to do possibly.

~Idea~

A blog-zine-website type thing a la The Toast or Autostraddle, but aimed at disability-type issues or interests. Potential posts or sections or topics could include (but are by no means limited to):( cut for length )
Note: not helpful right now, anything along the lines of, "This is cool but totally unrealistic." My brain weasels can rain on the parade on their own without contributions so it would help if you did not feed them.

If there is a lot of interest I would be up for starting a dreamwidth comm about this, but would need a name.

Signal boosting appreciated

OK, first, as someone who's a white woman, I see a lot of that aspect of my identities on TV. I see some portrayals of queer women on TV, but there's a lot of problematic stuff. Like, "And how long until one of these characters meets a horrible fate?" is basically how media has gone for a long time, or the film was made by an indie company because that is how they could get funding and so it's not terribly well made. And please don't get me started on the L-word.

OTOH...there's not that many great depictions of disability in television media? Also, usually when disability is portrayed people pick something very visible ("look this is the character who's disabled you can tell by looking at their accessibility device or some sort of visible difference") and making the Entire Fucking Storyline about the fact that they have a disability. And it's basically the ooooonly thing you know about them. And that they're inspirational and brave. *barf*

So along comes Switched at Birth, which I know I have raved about before. I am raving again. Partly because *look here are lots of intersectional identities* and *here are Deaf people arguing about disability politics and toeing the 'party line' and cochlear implants on ABC Family*. Also, they're multi-dimensional characters.

Yes, Daphne is Deaf. Her main storylines (to where I am in season 2 *don't spoil the rest I know there's more*) are about the whole switched-at-birth thing, her complex relationships with her now-blended family, class differences, "wait technically I am white but I was raised Latina til I found out about the switch so...", all the boyfriend drama, and aspirations to be a chef. Probably more things too. Like I said -- so much more than "she's the Deaf one" because there's LOTS of Deaf Characters. Also, it's a very "social model of disability" show.

Ahoy be spoilers for a couple points in the show where I felt the show did things *really well*, just so I can truly convince you to watch it. Also, links to a couple clips.

( minor spoiler in season 1, I'm not sharing how this event happens it's mostly about a one to two minute clip )

( spoilers for a couple plot points in season 2 with longer scenes involved )

I just.

Bring the teenage soap opera drama. Bring it all. I lurv you so much, this show.

P.S. I've been off-and-on pondering some thoughts on Daredevil and disability. This blog post has a lot of the things I had feelz about, as does this science one. I just...feel like while there's some good "here's accessible devices in action" and "here's the occasional person being a douche," Matt Murdock doesn't actually lose that much privilege via being blind-with-superpowers. That would not be such a big deal except for general lack of representation, because then Average Person gets tons of misconceptions about being blind. But there is no *one* experience for any one disability. Just, I think Matt Murdock is very outside the average range.

I miss having a meatspace community. In high school I managed to have several I would hop between, though I never quite fit into any of them. I know post-school socialing is different for a lot of people, because it's not like there are a bazillion clubs or things to choose from and many people are focused on jobs/making ends meet/romance rather than Hi I Am Also New Let's Try Being Friends!

But -- it's been so much harder since I started dealing with physical disability issues, which is when I was actually *in* college.( I accidentally a memory lane; tw for friend's substance abuse and some social isolation )

Here are things that would make it so much easier for me as a person with a disability to spend time with you, whether or not you have health issues (the same as me or otherwise):
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tl;dr. Do you want to hang with me? It comes with a side of "managing chronic pain and fatigue" and dark humor about bodies that don't cooperate the way I want them to. I might have to press the "abort" button on our plans earlier than either of us realized, and I know that is disappointed for everyone and extra work. But guess what? That means you get to press the "abort" button when you need to, no questions asked.

I still think I'm a lot of fun -- especially if we share a fandom -- and great at including people.

Today after therapy we went to DSW Shoe Warehouse. This was ostensibly to look for shoes for partner, who is having trouble putting shoes on because of back pain and so needs sensible shoes with no laces or fancy buckle things. However my beloved black semi-fancy sandals are also dying (as in, I can feel rocks underneath my feet when I walk in them and it is painful) and my wonderful 2-year-old Merrell's are probably dead but also MIA. So, yes, shoes are in order.

Usually I have...issues...with shoe stores. I have non-standard feet, let's put it that way. Or at least, I used to? They seem to have shifted somewhat, perhaps due to orthotics or maybe some shoe manufacturers have finally figured out that some people have wide toes and narrow ankles. But I still have a habit of pouncing on shoes that fit and hoarding them like precious treasure, based on experiences of going to five shoe stores and trying ever frelling shoe on and none of them fitting.

The Merrell's I mentioned? They are men's, in the smallest size they make, and extra wide. I have to order them online when they are not sold out. They're my second pair and I dread the day when the manufacturer stops making them.

Earlier this year my grandmother came to visit and we went shoe shopping for her, and lo! I found a pair of shoes at Goodwill that fit me. (Purple Clark dress shoes, zomg.) And then at T. J. Maxx I also found shoes that fit (the black ones, above). So I've had much better luck lately at wearing shoes that are not hard to find and ridiculously full price.

Today at DSW I managed to find decent walking shoes that are snuggly; Merrell slip-on black dress clog thingies; and also Teva sandals on super sale markdown as it's the end of the season. ALL OF THEM FIT. WHAT. EVEN.

Taken as a whole, they are slightly out of my budget. However, when one factors in the potential spoon cost of trying to find shoes that fit all of these niches (walking, dress, sandal) again at a reasonableish price, I decided I would eat the cost and just get them all now.

I feel like a dragon atop a hoard of shoes...